Today, Kalel found poop buried in sand, and he played with it and the sand for some time. You may consider me negligent at this point. That’s fine, but I promise you, I was looking right at him.
How’d I miss it?
Something told me, don’t take your camera outside.
Conscience: Bad things always happen when you have your camera. The last time you looked through your lens, Kairo ended up falling and scraping his knees. Don’t do it, bro.
Camera Devil: Screw, him. You don’t take enough pictures of the kids. Sure it’s difficult to look through the lens and adjust your photos while they’re moving around, but what’s the worst that can happen?
While I’m taking photos, I keep adjusting my settings so I can get the right lighting. For some reason, all of my pictures are coming out dark, and I can barely see what’s happening with the kids.
I look up, and they’re playing with sand.
I swear to you. There’s no poop around.
Kalel finds what appears to be a rock buried beneath the sand and moves it near his shoe. I can barely see the thing, but he keeps going. Then, I hear:
Kairo: Ahh! Kalel, not the sand.
Kalel begins pouring sand into his brother’s hair. He dropped so much that there is no point in me bothering to stop them now because Kairo instantly retaliates.
The fight with the sand until I notice how large the rock is behind Kalel’s shoe.
Camera Devil: [clears throat] So I know that I said nothing bad was going to happen, but just don’t panic okay?
Conscience: Eww! Ewww! Ewwwwww!
Poop. Dog poop? Cat poop? Giant rodent poop? Where did it come from?
Camera Devil: It’s fine. It’s fine. Just move the boys and continue taking pictures.
Conscience: But wasn’t Kalel playing with rocks earlier? Where’d that poop come from?
Camera Devil: Ask no questions. Just shoot.
While shooting, I smell something. I sniff Kairo’s hands. Nothing.
Lord. Have. Mercy.
We rush back to the house.
Don’t confuse the wash with the drown. They’re very different.
The wash involves me prewashing Kalel twice before his bath.
There’s a problem Houston. Poop problem.
After two washes, I still smell poop.
I slowly turn to Kairo. (You know the kind where your neck cranes–panoramic style–and you creep your kids out because your head doesn’t appear to follow the rules established by your anatomy?)
Dad: [smells hair]
Camera Devil: Throw him in the water. Eff the camera. Baptize the boy. BAPTIZE HIM!
What’s wrong with this child?
Little ones make choices, and some are bad. Very, very bad.
Kairo was never a baby. He is hardly a toddler now. This guy refused to shove random items in his mouth at a young age. Instead, he’d pick up the fallen penny, trash, or a piece of lent and pass it to me.
Conscience: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Why?
Camera Devil: What is wrong with this child?
Conscience: You. Don’t. Get. To. SPEAK!
Camera Devil: …
So Tiyaanah is going to read this at some point. They already stayed in the bathtub for an hour, and Kairo had around five or six shampoo sessions. I imagine when mom finds out, she might wash him until he’s white.
On a positive note
I couldn’t do anything but laugh…after the bath. After.